Sunday, February 20, 2011

Why does it still hurt....

After 6 years why can't I just be ok with seeing pregnant women and babies everywhere?  Its like when you buy a new car...all of a sudden everywhere you look you see cars just like yours.  Well...if you really want a'll see them everywhere.  I went shopping today for a relatives baby shower...I'm a host, I made the invites, going to order cookies tomorrow...buying all of the decorations...I bought a few onesies today...I couldn't do anymore than just hurts too much to be buying for someone else when all I can think is I should be buying for my own baby...I really try to ignore these feelings, just file them away and forget I feel so hurt about the m/c still.  But it is so hard.  I don't know what I will do if this FET doesn't work...or if I m/c again...idk if I can handle it.  I just may completely fall apart...I've held it together for 6 years...a breakdown is bound to happen.  I just want my happy ending and family of 4.  I love our little family of 3 but I feel like its there is another baby for us.  I'm anxious to find out tomorrow when I get to pick up my babies and get them where they belong...I'm still really hoping my RE will transfer 3 also.  I want to do all we can to maximize our chances of getting pregnant.  I think I will just go to bed now so I will stop thinking about it!!!  The worst part of driving 3 hours each way to go to the RE is all of the thinking my little brain does!!!  Its a miracle I'm still sane! 

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